"When you were a little girl did your parents fight?" my granddaughter's friend asked one Easter Sunday, while the girls were waiting in the house for my husband to finish hiding eggs outdoors.  I stopped mixing biscuits and looked at the eight year old girl with straight brown hair and beautiful brown eyes, holding onto an Easter basket with both hands.

"Yes, they did, " I said, remembering how I had cowered in the yard the night my mother had dared to “talk back” to my step-father who used intimidation to rule their home.  I was afraid he would kill her, perhaps kill the whole family before the night was over. That happened more than fifty years ago.  He has been dead many years now, and my mother probably doesn’t even remember the incident but I do...vividly.

"Do your parents fight often? I asked.
"Yes, and it scares me so much," she said.
"Do you have a grand mother you can talk to about it?" I asked.
"Yes, but she just tells me to stay in my room and try not to listen."
"Do they ever hurt you when they fight?" I asked.
"No'm, but it just bothers me. And I have to take care of my little sister because it scares her and makes her cry."
"Have you ever talked to a teacher about this?" I asked.
"Yes'm."
"What did she say?"
"She just told me what my grandma did, not to listen."
"Do you know how to call the police?" I asked.
"I called them once but they took my mommy to jail even though she had bruises on her."

My husband announced that our yard was liberally littered with Easter eggs and the little girl and my granddaughter excitedly ran through the dining room and out the door to began searching for pastel colored eggs hidden in the grass my husband leaves un-mown until after the spring time holiday.

I finished cooking and set the table and as the girls picked at their breakfast counting    the eggs they had found, giggling a lot. Both were anxious to sample some of the candy eggs in their baskets.

They seemed to be having a very enjoyable time. But I was feeling sad. I knew I had failed the little girl.  Her words continued to nag at me. She had asked her grandmother, her teacher, the police and now me, a near stranger, for help. But none of us helped her. If something worse happens to her in the future, will she ask anyone for help? Or will she remember that it does no good.  I wanted to tell her to call 911 every time her parents started to fight and maybe they would eventually understand how hurtful their behavior is to their children.  But I didn’t advise her to do that because I doubt if their fighting is as bad as seeing her mother arrested.

Is putting her mother under arrest the best and only solution a supposedly enlightened, “leader of the free world” country such as the United States has to offer a frightened little girl who asks for help to stop her parents from screaming at each other?

Wasn't taking her mother away from her, however temporarily, more traumatic than what the child asked to be relieved from? Could we start thinking more in terms of problem solving and how to teach proper parenting in this country instead of choosing arrest and punishment as a first, or only,  course of action, especially in non-criminal situations? 

And please, to anyone who might read this and think that little eight year old girl could be their daughter, think of what your fighting and screaming is doing to your children.  If you are old enough to have an eight year old, you are old enough to know she is being emotionally damaged by your actions. STOP IT!  Stop thinking only of your self.  She won't be young very long. The years pass so quickly, before you know it, she will be grown and out of the house. Could you please pay as much attention to her needs as you do to your own?  Can you try a little harder to give her a feeling of safety and security?  Don't make her cower in her bed at night frightened that her parents are hurting each other.

Whatever it is that is wrong with your life--stop fighting about it and start trying to fix it. Get counseling...from your parents, your grandparents, a friend, or a professional. Go to church, change jobs, get a job, stop drinking.  Get a divorce if necessary, but stop fighting in front of your children!

Dorothy Hamm, 2001